January Recap

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As a point of accountability I want to update you on my progress on my January goals.

Starting a podcast
My motivation for my January goals here was to get back into the habit of posting online. I planned to:

• Write a 2 month blogging plan ✅
• I stuck with my plan for January and I have a few tweaks I want to make for next month
• Write at least 2 blog posts ✅
• I actually wrote 4 (if you count my two-parter separately)
• Do research on current favorite podcasting blogs ✅
• Some of my favorite podcasts are God Centered Mom and Journeywomen. I enjoyed looking through their blogs to get ideas on how to connect written content to a podcast.

Personal Growth

I focused on my non-fiction reading goal. I finished two which I'm pretty happy with. I also got a few fiction books in as well. Below are links to some of the books and also to some of my Goodreads reviews.

• Non-Fiction
• Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done (review)
• The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family (review)

• Fiction
• An Uncertain Choice (I listened to the audiobook) (review)
• A Dance of Silver and Shadow: A Retelling of The Twelve Dancing Princesses (Beyond the Four Kingdoms) (Volume 1) (I read several books in this series thanks to Kindle Unlimited)
• Kids books (We read a ton of kids books but here are some of our favorites this month)

• Little Owl's Night
• Vegetables in Underwear
• Peppa's Windy Fall Day (Peppa Pig) (Peppa kind of annoys me, but the kids like it so I suffer in silence)
• Found: Psalm 23 (This is actually more my favorite than the kids, but it's the same writer and illustrator as for the Jesus Storybook Bible and I think it's beautiful)
• The Gospel Story Bible: Discovering Jesus in the Old and New Testaments (I'm including this one because we just finished it. I really like it, but it's a bit too old for our kids. We started the beginner's version recently and it's much more suited for our kids' ages).

Heath & Fitness

• I've been trying to find some more healthy meals our family will eat. Easier said than done when you've got a picky eater in the family (and no I'm not talking about any of our kids). I did manage to intentionally plan in at least a few healthy family meals each week.
• I'm trying to figure out an exercise program that I like. I'm thinking I'll go back to 21 Day Fix this month since I had success with that.

Home Improvement

• I pinned a pitiful number of garden pins which you can see here. Honestly, I'm pretty overwhelmed so any flower garden gurus who want to help a sister out are welcome over!

Connection

My main goal here was to get in one-on-one dates with each of the girls on (or near) the date they were born. It could be either Lee or I taking them, but I wanted them to have some special time with one of us.

• I took Callie to Panera. I told her she could have whatever she wanted for breakfast and the girl chose a sesame seed bagel. She then proceeded to eat half of my cinnamon swirl bagel. Next time I'll narrow her choices so she doesn't seem so overwhelmed.
• Lee took Sophia to the BCM and they played together. I hate to say it, but she's got some puppy-like tendencies in that she really loves to play fetch.
• Letty's is coming up tomorrow and we'll probably do breakfast and shoe shopping.

Other
My other goals involved saving money towards certain things and I was able to do that successfully this month.

I Give Up!

I went about the whole becoming a mom business in a somewhat unusual way. We "acquired" three kids in 362 days. If you're behind, you can read about my struggles with pregnancy loss here, our decision to jump feet first into fostering here, and our youngest's birth story here. You could say it's all or nothing in our household. So at this point I've had a little more than two years experience in momming little people. I'm pretty much an expert now...except I'm not. The saying that you're a perfect parent until you have kids is 100% true. While Lee and I have stayed true to our core parenting value of trying to raise kids to love the Lord, almost nothing else looks the same as it did before we actually had kids!

One of the things God has really been teaching me in the last several months is to let go of perfectionism. Now, I would never have said that I was the perfect parent (far from it). But in my head I was always striving to be what I thought the perfect mom should be. And every time I didn't live up to that imaginary expectation I would beat myself up over it. Can that resonate with anyone else? So for those perfectionist moms (and dads) out there, let's talk about why I gave up trying to be supermom.

Social Media As Our Standard
It's a wildly different society we live in than when I first started dreaming of being a mom. It's not just the moms in your immediate circle that you have to compare yourself with, or the moms of TV and movies. It's millions of moms around the world who post pictures and stories of their seemingly perfect momming online. From Pinterest, to Facebook and Instagram. With the development of smart phones and filters for pictures it's so tempting to look at the lives of "real" people and compare ourselves. I really like social media. It lets me keep up with people and learn from those I may have never been able to connect with before. But the problem with relying on social media to give me my standard of parenting is that it's not reality and it's not realistic.

While people may often post pictures or videos of some of the messier parts of parenting, there is no way to actually see every frustrating, gross, mundane, loving or exciting detail of a person's life. Nor should their be. While you may feel like you're part of someone's family because of all the details they post online, no one can replace your real life family. And you shouldn't want them to! For example, my brand of creativity lies in my ability to solve problems and think through situations in detail. I'm an engineer, not an artist. That didn't stop me from trying to throw a Pinterest worthy party for one of my kiddos. I pinned all the pins, but when it came down to it, my heart wasn't really in it and the execution of said party fell a little lot short. I was frustrated with myself and felt bad for my kiddo. But do you know what? She didn't care. She never asked for the perfect Bubble Guppies party. I put that pressure on myself. She just really liked her Bubble Guppies shirt (thanks to Gigi) and playing with balloons! I need to be able to admire and encourage those moms who are able to throw awesome parties for their kids without trying to be one of those moms myself.

I let myself fall into the trap of seeing something in social media, and mistakenly drawing the conclusion that doing that was necessary for me to be a good mom and have happy kids. Trying to do all the things is just not realist, but mom-guilt is a real thing. Throwing the perfect birthday party may be a superficial example, but pretty much anything a mom holds herself responsible for is subject to mom-guilt. When in reality, most of those things are only important to ourselves. I knew that having all the bells and whistles for a birthday party wasn't important to me or my kids. So why waste time and energy on something no one cared about? Mom-guilt.

Others Opinions As Our Standard
This is related to using social media as our standard for being a good mom, but while I focused on the internal pressure in the previous section, here I want to focus on the pressure from others. Similar to mom-guilt, mom-shaming can also cause us to second guess our ability to parent. By mom-shaming I mean when others (usually women) decide that you're not doing things the right way and they want to "help" you by letting you know how it should be done (aka their way). I feel a lot of times people have the best intentions when they correct your decisions, but it's not usually any more beneficial. Sometimes, though, people can be downright hateful. This is usually exacerbated by social media.

For some reason it's often times other women who feel the need to judge a mom's parenting decisions. I too sometimes fall into this trap. God's nurturing characteristics are often very strongly present in women, but unfortunately sin has twisted this to cause us to be judgmental of another's ability to nurture. Part of us may want what's best for that person's child, but our pride causes us to think that only our way is best. Someone posts a question on Facebook. "What kind of bottles do you recommend for my beautiful baby?" Some comments are helpful, but then some possibly well-meaning person writes, "Breast is Best!" Umm, okay, that didn't answer the question. And now the original poster is possibly feeling guilty bottle-feeding. Or some conflicted mother posts a smiling picture of themselves with their adorable toddler with the caption, "First day of preschool! Forgive me while I go cry in my car!" And then someone comments with "I just don't know how you can handle having someone else raise your kids. It must be so hard. I'm so glad I can stay home with my babies." Then the poor working mom feels bad about abandoning her child and just knows they'll be ruined for life. While neither of these examples are someone trying to be blatantly hurtful, they do show how our internal judgments can subtly work their way into our external conversations.

This isn't relegated to social media, though. I have often heard the phase, "You sure do have your hands full." It's true! My hands are full. Parenting three small kids is hard! And I know the person who says it is usually trying to offer moral support in acknowledging how challenging it can be, but it also implies that maybe we don't know what we're doing. Maybe I'm in over my head and my kids won't get the attention and focus they need. Now we can't always ensure what we say will be taken then way we mean it. And we can't always read too much into what others say. But a little caution on both sides can go a long way in helping moms have confidence in their ability to parent well.

The Solution and Our True Standard
So what do you do when you are doubting your ability to be a good mom either because of what you've seen or because of something someone has said. Try these things:

• What is your motivation? Why are you doing that particular thing you think you're supposed to do? Whether it's throwing the perfect party, doing all the things for Advent, putting your kids in every sport/lesson available, only giving them organic, non-GMO, vegan water (I kid), why do you think that's the way it should be done? Is it because you think it will make you look good? Is it because that's what all the experts tell you to do? Or is it because you think that's what's best for your family. If no one is enjoying it, or no one really cares, why do it? If it truly is important to you and/or your kids, do it! Don't make things harder than they need to be.
• Set boundaries on social media consumption. If this is really a struggle for you then maybe you need to limit how often you're on social media or use someone to keep you accountable. If you can't look at a specific person's Instagram account without feeling like a terrible person then why are you looking in the first place? Give yourself a real assessment on how social media affects your thinking and then take appropriate steps to guard your heart and mind.
• Show grace. Show grace to yourself when you use the iPad to keep your toddler occupied for 5 minutes so you can get a quiet moment to yourself. Show grace to yourself when you have to feed your kids chicken nuggets for dinner three meals in a row because life is really hard in the moment. Show grace to others when they say things that make you second-guess yourself. And show grace to others, especially when you don't really know everything that is going on in their lives. Take a second to evaluate whether or not what you want to say to someone is going to encourage them or just make yourself feel better.
• In whom/what do you find your identity? If you find your identity in being the perfect mom, then you can pretty much bet that mom-guilt is going to accompany any supposed "failures." It's impossible to please the idol of perfectionism, and you will find yourself striving harder and harder to reach a self-imposed standard. We look to God and Scripture for our standard in living. I don't remember the Bible mentioning store-bought purees vs baby-led weaning or birthday blowouts vs family gatherings. You know what Scripture does say about parenting? "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4) "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6) "'But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.'" (Matthew 6:33-34) You see, it's when we truly find our identity in Christ that we can be who we were meant to be as parents.

Final Note: To the Dads

I talked a lot about being the perfect mom, but I can't assume that dads don't also feel pressure as well. Well, sometimes I do assume that because that's how it seems, but I wanted to get Lee's take on it to get a guy's perspective. He said he didn't necessarily feel the need to be perfect, but he did feel like he needed to seem competent. He doesn't want to see overwhelmed (even if he was). It wasn't about the details of what it took to be a perfect parent, but more the overall goal of looking like he had it together. This corresponds to how he and I think about parenting. I'm concerned about individual details of parties, specifics of their health, etc. His is a bigger picture sort of view. Now, just because Lee (and maybe most guys) don't always seem as concerned with being the perfect dad doesn't mean they will never fall into the trap of feeling guilt or shame when everything doesn't go as planned. We all have to be aware of where we struggle and looking to God for guidance instead of the people around us. We all have to remember what's really important.

Looking Towards 2018

This is part two of my reflections of 2017 and looking forward to 2018. I was a tad too verbose in the first one so I thought I needed to split them up. If you missed it, you can see my 2017 review here.

For the most part, I haven't made New Years resolutions a large priority in the past. No one ever keeps them, so why make them. Oh, I have dreams in my head of how I'd like the year to go and how I'd like to improve myself, but I always struggle with turning dreams into goals into reality. This year I'm going to try to set some goals and strategically work my way through them. Here's how.

For the last several years I have solely used digital tools to keep my daily life running. I use Google Calendar for my schedule, a spreadsheet and Mint to stay on track with my budget, and various apps to track habits, make plans, etc. Now, I will still use those things, but I think an actual planner may help me have something tangible to assist with follow through. The problem is there are approximately 8.2 million planners out there. And as I've said before, I hate making decisions. After much research, I finally decided on the Living Well Planner. I don't think any planner has exactly what I want. For that I'd basically have to make my own like a Bullet Journal. That requires way to much time and creativity for this girl. The thing about the Living Well Planner that I did like was the emphasis on setting goals and then strategically working towards them each month, week and day. I'll do a full review of the planner after I've been able to use it for a few months.

My Goals
I started by choosing my top three goals. These are the things I will work on first. Then I chose one smaller goal in each of the following categories: Personal Growth, Fun & Recreation, Health & Fitness, Home Improvement, Finance, and Connecting. I've listed my goals below. I've taken out some of the specifics in order to not distract from the intent of the goal. The numbers would only be important to our family.

Big Three

• Start a podcast - This is a huge one for me. I started listening to podcasts around eight months ago. I had a few I liked and my list has now grown to about six I listen to consistently on my long commute and a few more I listen to here or there. So, why start one of my own? I've grown so much from listening to these podcasts. I would really like the opportunity to share that experience with others and look at some of the topics that are important to me and those around me. The plan is to do an interview style podcast and I'm hoping to launch it late summer or early fall. This endeavor is kind of scary for me, but I'm really excited about the possibilities! Be on the lookout for more details later and be prepared for me to ask for some help.
• Weekend getaway with Lee - Lee and I used to go away for a few days every six months to reflect on our marriage. We haven't taken a trip like that in three years so I'd really like to take at least one trip sans kids this year. It will require some planning and intentionality on our part, but I know it will pay off in the long run.
• Substantially reduce our minivan loan principle - Without specific numbers here, we're looking to essentially cut our auto debt in half. 

Personal Growth

• Read 15 non-fiction books - My goal last year was to read at least one non-fiction and one fiction book each month. I didn't quite reach my goal, but I read a lot more non-fiction than I normally do. I'm taking reading fiction off my goal list this year because it's not really a huge challenge for me. Reading is the way I unwind and since I'm sure I'll get entertaining books in when I can I want to be very intentional about reading books that are a bit more edifying. 15 is more than I read last year, but it still seems quite doable.

Fun & Recreation

• Family trip - I'm still unsure what this will look like. I know what I'd like it to look like (reading some of the above mentioned books on the beach), but with so many goals that involve monetary investments I may have to be happy with something simpler (aka cheaper). Really I just want to have a fun getaway with my family and give the kids some new experiences.

Health & Fitness

• Eat clean 75% of the time and consistently work our 4 days a week - I'm not planning on doing this day one. I hope to build up to this by making smaller, compounding goals each month. I was gung-ho for about half the year last year and did pretty well, but by the end of the year it took a back seat in my priorities. This year I'm hoping that if I gradually work up to my goal it will give me time to really build on those healthy habits. This isn't a weight loss thing for me. I'm honestly pretty happy where I'm at. This is about being a healthier person.

Home Improvement

• Plant a garden - One of the books I'm reading right now is Finish by Jon Acuff. It's about (surprise) finishing goals. One of his points is that we need to choose what to bomb. I'm essentially choosing home improvement this year. I already mentioned in the previous post that this is a weak area for me and I'd rather not add a lot of stress or money commitments. So I've chosen one thing that I think would add the most value (in my eyes) to our home. Right now that's our extreme lack of curb appeal. So my plan is to do some research on what flowers/plants are easy to keep alive, get those things planted, and enlist the help of tiny hands with keeping it going. This is probably my scariest goal, because I don't exactly have a green thumb, but it's something I'd really like to do. After this year I may completely change my mind and fill the flower beds with rocks, but until then I'm going to give it my best!

Finance goals

• Start college funds for the girls - A lot of my goals involve saving/spending money. While I'm really hoping our kids will be geniuses and get full rides to whatever college they want, or they'll choose an occupation that requires special training if not necessarily college, I'd still like to save towards them having a successful future. I'm not aiming for a lot in these funds this year since we have some debt to pay off, but I'd like to at least get them set up.

Connecting

• Monthly daughter dates - Last year I learned about the awesome idea of scheduling parent/child dates on the date they were born each month. So for example, since Callie was born December 2, either Lee or I would take her on a date on/around the 2nd of each month. I'd like to be more intentional about this by actually planning it out and putting it on the calendar. 

So there are my 2018 goals! It's a little scary writing them all down, but hopefully it provides me with an extra bit of accountability. You may have noticed while reading (as I did while writing), that many of these goals mention being more intentional in a specific area. Therefore, I'm declaring my word of 2018 to be...INTENTIONAL. I'm hoping to cut out some of the extraneous things and really focus on what adds value. This is not an exhaustive list on what I'd like to work on this year of course. Increasing the quality of my time in the Word and deepening my prayer time are always important. Building new relationships and strengthening current ones are of course essential as well. I'm so thankful for the new year which allows us to reflect on all God has brought us through and look forward to what's to come!

2017 In Review

Well, 2017 brought a lot of changes to our family. I thought I'd recap/reflect here as well as look at what 2018 will bring. Bear with me as I try to get my mom brain to think of things from a year ago.

Events

• The first quarter of the year didn't bring a lot of changes, but at the beginning of May we made the HUGE step of purchasing our first home. It really has worked out so well for us mainly in that I have large kitchen I love (in spite of the grapevine wallpaper I haven't changed yet) and a fenced in backyard for our kids. For those of you who don't know, I'm not a decorator. I like nicely decorated houses, but I hate making decisions and even when a decision is made, I am often too lazy to put it into action. We're slowly getting things on the wall, but it's definitely a work in progress. Sorry there are no pictures for this one. I didn't actually take any before and after shots. 😞
• Our family took a trip to Branson in June as part of the family retreat for the Collegiate and Young Leaders team of the Arkansas Baptist State Convention (which Lee's work at the BCM is a part of). We got to go have fun (well, Lee had to work sometimes) with the other BCM campus ministers' families and hang out as a family. We went to Silver Dollar City, swam in the hotel pool (Callie's favorite part I think), and I even worked up the courage to take all three kids to the Butterfly Palace by myself (not my best decision). While it wasn't a lot of fun trying to figure out how to get all the kids to sleep well in a hotel, even with adjoining rooms (spoiler alert: we didn't manage it), the trip provided for some crazy fun family memories.

• There was a lot of summer fun for our family other than Branson as well. Lots of playing in the backyard and hanging out on a mostly empty campus. The older two also had their first swim lessons. The first lesson was a bit rough since Callie nearly drowned because she was being disobedient and Letty screamed the entire time, but by the end of the lessons they had each made huge progress (well, there was less screaming at least). Callie also had the chance to participate in her first team sport...t-ball. While she mostly enjoyed the snack after the games and spent more time playing in the dirt than even looking at the ball, she had fun and looks forward to next year. Although, we're thinking soccer may be a little more action packed for her.

• Another big "change" for our family is that we adopted our oldest two that we had been fostering for a year and a half. I put change in quotes because day-to-day life didn't change, but of course now they're legally ours. We had a bunch of people pile into the courthouse. It was a bitter sweet day for sure. Our family grew on the same day another was permanently torn apart. We continue to pray for our girls' biological family and hope that one day they'll know the forgiveness and grace of the God Lee and I so desperately cling to. We also closed our home after the adoption and are now involved with The CALL as trainers. So we're not fostering at this time (although we might someday in the future), but God is still using us to fight the foster care crisis.

• This year Lee and I celebrated our 8th anniversary and everyone turned another year older. The last few months of the year are part of the birthday marathon for us. We loved celebrating with friends and family, but with 4 birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and then Christmas in the mix as well we are all thankful for things to be back to normal. Well, Callie isn't. She still wishes it was Christmas.

Books

Last year I set a goal of reading one good non-fiction and one good fiction book each month. I usually read more than that, but I don't know if I'd always qualify them as "good." I didn't exactly reach my goal, but I read a lot more non-fiction than I normally do which was what I ultimately wanted. Here's a recap of some of the books I read.

• Still Life by Dani Pettrey (review)
• Don't Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Hubbard (review)
• To the Farthest Shores by Elizabeth Camden (review)
• The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom (review)
• Jesus, the One and Only by Beth Moore (review)
• Invitation: Cycle One of the Harbingers Series by Bill Myers, Frank Peretti, Angela Hunt, and Alton Gansky (review)
• Threads of Suspicion by Dee Henderson (review)
• The Most Misused Stories In the Bible by Eric J. Bargerhuff (review)
• With You Always (Orphan Train Book #1) by Jody Hedlund (review)
• Women Who Move Mountains: Praying with Confidence, Boldness, and Grace by Sue Detweiler (review)
• Praying for Girls by Teri Lynne Underwood (review)
• Blind Spot by Dani Pettrey (review)
• Seven Women: And the Secret of Their Greatness by Eric Metaxas (review)
• The Magnolia Story by Chip and Joanna Gaines
• Remnants: Season of Fire by Lisa T. Bergren
• Remnants: Season of Glory by Lisa T. Bergren
• A Royal Christmas Wedding by Rachel Hauck

Health and Fitness

I was really able to meet a lot of health and fitness goals this last year. I got down to about 20 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight, I was exercising regularly, and feeding myself and my family more healthy meals. I struggled a bit with consistency at the end of the year, but I have some plans to take a step back and build lifelong healthy habits this year. 

So, this doesn't encompass everything that happened in 2017. We all know that life is made up of small moments everyday which make a large impact on our future selves. I've got some fun goals for 2018 which I'm excited about, but since this post is already long I will do a part 2 about looking forward to the new year. Stay tuned!