I Give Up!

I went about the whole becoming a mom business in a somewhat unusual way. We "acquired" three kids in 362 days. If you're behind, you can read about my struggles with pregnancy loss here, our decision to jump feet first into fostering here, and our youngest's birth story here. You could say it's all or nothing in our household. So at this point I've had a little more than two years experience in momming little people. I'm pretty much an expert now...except I'm not. The saying that you're a perfect parent until you have kids is 100% true. While Lee and I have stayed true to our core parenting value of trying to raise kids to love the Lord, almost nothing else looks the same as it did before we actually had kids!

One of the things God has really been teaching me in the last several months is to let go of perfectionism. Now, I would never have said that I was the perfect parent (far from it). But in my head I was always striving to be what I thought the perfect mom should be. And every time I didn't live up to that imaginary expectation I would beat myself up over it. Can that resonate with anyone else? So for those perfectionist moms (and dads) out there, let's talk about why I gave up trying to be supermom.

Social Media As Our Standard
It's a wildly different society we live in than when I first started dreaming of being a mom. It's not just the moms in your immediate circle that you have to compare yourself with, or the moms of TV and movies. It's millions of moms around the world who post pictures and stories of their seemingly perfect momming online. From Pinterest, to Facebook and Instagram. With the development of smart phones and filters for pictures it's so tempting to look at the lives of "real" people and compare ourselves. I really like social media. It lets me keep up with people and learn from those I may have never been able to connect with before. But the problem with relying on social media to give me my standard of parenting is that it's not reality and it's not realistic.

While people may often post pictures or videos of some of the messier parts of parenting, there is no way to actually see every frustrating, gross, mundane, loving or exciting detail of a person's life. Nor should their be. While you may feel like you're part of someone's family because of all the details they post online, no one can replace your real life family. And you shouldn't want them to! For example, my brand of creativity lies in my ability to solve problems and think through situations in detail. I'm an engineer, not an artist. That didn't stop me from trying to throw a Pinterest worthy party for one of my kiddos. I pinned all the pins, but when it came down to it, my heart wasn't really in it and the execution of said party fell a little lot short. I was frustrated with myself and felt bad for my kiddo. But do you know what? She didn't care. She never asked for the perfect Bubble Guppies party. I put that pressure on myself. She just really liked her Bubble Guppies shirt (thanks to Gigi) and playing with balloons! I need to be able to admire and encourage those moms who are able to throw awesome parties for their kids without trying to be one of those moms myself.

I let myself fall into the trap of seeing something in social media, and mistakenly drawing the conclusion that doing that was necessary for me to be a good mom and have happy kids. Trying to do all the things is just not realist, but mom-guilt is a real thing. Throwing the perfect birthday party may be a superficial example, but pretty much anything a mom holds herself responsible for is subject to mom-guilt. When in reality, most of those things are only important to ourselves. I knew that having all the bells and whistles for a birthday party wasn't important to me or my kids. So why waste time and energy on something no one cared about? Mom-guilt.

Others Opinions As Our Standard
This is related to using social media as our standard for being a good mom, but while I focused on the internal pressure in the previous section, here I want to focus on the pressure from others. Similar to mom-guilt, mom-shaming can also cause us to second guess our ability to parent. By mom-shaming I mean when others (usually women) decide that you're not doing things the right way and they want to "help" you by letting you know how it should be done (aka their way). I feel a lot of times people have the best intentions when they correct your decisions, but it's not usually any more beneficial. Sometimes, though, people can be downright hateful. This is usually exacerbated by social media.

For some reason it's often times other women who feel the need to judge a mom's parenting decisions. I too sometimes fall into this trap. God's nurturing characteristics are often very strongly present in women, but unfortunately sin has twisted this to cause us to be judgmental of another's ability to nurture. Part of us may want what's best for that person's child, but our pride causes us to think that only our way is best. Someone posts a question on Facebook. "What kind of bottles do you recommend for my beautiful baby?" Some comments are helpful, but then some possibly well-meaning person writes, "Breast is Best!" Umm, okay, that didn't answer the question. And now the original poster is possibly feeling guilty bottle-feeding. Or some conflicted mother posts a smiling picture of themselves with their adorable toddler with the caption, "First day of preschool! Forgive me while I go cry in my car!" And then someone comments with "I just don't know how you can handle having someone else raise your kids. It must be so hard. I'm so glad I can stay home with my babies." Then the poor working mom feels bad about abandoning her child and just knows they'll be ruined for life. While neither of these examples are someone trying to be blatantly hurtful, they do show how our internal judgments can subtly work their way into our external conversations.

This isn't relegated to social media, though. I have often heard the phase, "You sure do have your hands full." It's true! My hands are full. Parenting three small kids is hard! And I know the person who says it is usually trying to offer moral support in acknowledging how challenging it can be, but it also implies that maybe we don't know what we're doing. Maybe I'm in over my head and my kids won't get the attention and focus they need. Now we can't always ensure what we say will be taken then way we mean it. And we can't always read too much into what others say. But a little caution on both sides can go a long way in helping moms have confidence in their ability to parent well.

The Solution and Our True Standard
So what do you do when you are doubting your ability to be a good mom either because of what you've seen or because of something someone has said. Try these things:

• What is your motivation? Why are you doing that particular thing you think you're supposed to do? Whether it's throwing the perfect party, doing all the things for Advent, putting your kids in every sport/lesson available, only giving them organic, non-GMO, vegan water (I kid), why do you think that's the way it should be done? Is it because you think it will make you look good? Is it because that's what all the experts tell you to do? Or is it because you think that's what's best for your family. If no one is enjoying it, or no one really cares, why do it? If it truly is important to you and/or your kids, do it! Don't make things harder than they need to be.
• Set boundaries on social media consumption. If this is really a struggle for you then maybe you need to limit how often you're on social media or use someone to keep you accountable. If you can't look at a specific person's Instagram account without feeling like a terrible person then why are you looking in the first place? Give yourself a real assessment on how social media affects your thinking and then take appropriate steps to guard your heart and mind.
• Show grace. Show grace to yourself when you use the iPad to keep your toddler occupied for 5 minutes so you can get a quiet moment to yourself. Show grace to yourself when you have to feed your kids chicken nuggets for dinner three meals in a row because life is really hard in the moment. Show grace to others when they say things that make you second-guess yourself. And show grace to others, especially when you don't really know everything that is going on in their lives. Take a second to evaluate whether or not what you want to say to someone is going to encourage them or just make yourself feel better.
• In whom/what do you find your identity? If you find your identity in being the perfect mom, then you can pretty much bet that mom-guilt is going to accompany any supposed "failures." It's impossible to please the idol of perfectionism, and you will find yourself striving harder and harder to reach a self-imposed standard. We look to God and Scripture for our standard in living. I don't remember the Bible mentioning store-bought purees vs baby-led weaning or birthday blowouts vs family gatherings. You know what Scripture does say about parenting? "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4) "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6) "'But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.'" (Matthew 6:33-34) You see, it's when we truly find our identity in Christ that we can be who we were meant to be as parents.

Final Note: To the Dads

I talked a lot about being the perfect mom, but I can't assume that dads don't also feel pressure as well. Well, sometimes I do assume that because that's how it seems, but I wanted to get Lee's take on it to get a guy's perspective. He said he didn't necessarily feel the need to be perfect, but he did feel like he needed to seem competent. He doesn't want to see overwhelmed (even if he was). It wasn't about the details of what it took to be a perfect parent, but more the overall goal of looking like he had it together. This corresponds to how he and I think about parenting. I'm concerned about individual details of parties, specifics of their health, etc. His is a bigger picture sort of view. Now, just because Lee (and maybe most guys) don't always seem as concerned with being the perfect dad doesn't mean they will never fall into the trap of feeling guilt or shame when everything doesn't go as planned. We all have to be aware of where we struggle and looking to God for guidance instead of the people around us. We all have to remember what's really important.